My son is nearing nine months old, and already it's becoming evident that we need to train him to share and not cry when he doesn't get his way. We've heard of Babywise, and to say the least, are not interested in this method of parenting. We have no idea what styles of parenting methods to research... did you subscribe to a method or use God-given intuition?
Do you follow a parenting method?
We are using a parenting style called Attachment Parenting. We have a four year old who is simply a delight and an eight month old who is one of the most cheerful babies ever. I think that more than any type of parenting "style", it's important to follow your heart and your intuition, but for me, attachment parenting just makes sense. It's about creating strong bonds between parent and child in order to give the child the feeling of security they need to develop into a healthy adult. Dr. William Sears is a big advocate of attachment parenting. His website has more information about it (http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T13030... There's also a fantastic book called "Attachment Parenting: Instictive Care for your Baby and Young Child" by Katie Allison Granju. She's also written a great article on the dangers of using baby trainers like Babywise (see the article here: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1998/08... As I said before, however, trust your heart and your instincts to lead you in the right direction. Don't let anyone tell you there is a "right" or a "wrong" way to parent. Listen to your heart and you will be well on your way!
Reply:god given intuition go with your instincts you'll be fine.
Reply:I think that you have to take the parts of each method you like the best. There is not one "perfect" babyraising method, because there are not any two children who are exactly alike. I like a lot of what Dr. T. Berry Brazelton has to say, and many of his ideas are wonderful with most children. Even many of the "older" experts such as Dr. Spock have several valid points and good information. I suggest taking a parenting class given at a college near you... colleges are generally studying the newest information (along with the basics from important contributers, such as Maria Montessori, Vygotsky, Freud, and Maslow). You can get up to date info (usually for free) and get wonderful developmental information that will help you know what is appropriate and unusual when it comes to your child. At eight months old, it is completely appropriate to cry when you want something, and sharing is not a concept that children learn well until they are near 5-6 years. Understanding basic developmental levels will help you to know when there may be a delay in development, and what to expect from your child when. It will also give you an understanding of what they can comprehend at what ages, which will help to give you tools to work with discipline.
Reply:Children under 3years of age are egocentric which means that they only see things from their point of view. This stage of development is ABSOLUTELLY NORMAL and is part of his development. The usual suggested age to start sharing is at about mid 3's to late 3's depending on the child's development. You can start by pointing out how it made the other child feel when he shared his toys. If the child has words than you can teach him to ask when he wants a toy. If the other child is not ready to let go of the toy, its ok . Tell your child to tell his friend to let him know when he is done with the toy so then he can have a turn. This should happen the other way too. If he has a hard time waiting for his turn, acknowledge his feelings by saying, "I know its hard to wait, as soon as he is done he will let you know." and redirect him to another activity. Since children this age don't have a sense of time its a good idea to make up a wait list or set a timer for five minutes. You can also teach your child to wait and take turns by playing games with him yourself (You can start at any age) In your case you can simply roll a ball to him back and forth sitting on the floor. And say out loud, "My turn to roll the ball",(and then when he has it) say, "Your turn to roll the ball." Learning to share doesn't just happen from one day to the other ITS A PROCESS. With babies or infants if you are not doing it already, immitating each others babbles. When the baby says , "aah!" You immidiately immitate , "aah!" and make a game out of it. With out knowing you are teaching your baby to take turns. You can find more activities at your local library or any book store, even the internet. A parenting class at your local community college helped me in getting to know child development.
Reply:Every child needs to be "trained" to share to not cry when he doesn't get his way. I don't think you need to follow some "experts" method, just look around you, at your own parents, other parents you know, see what works, what you like, what you don't and do what makes sense to you.
Reply:Nothing "is evident" about what you will need to teach your child based on his behavior as an infant (which is what he is).
Babies have a whole set of developmental stages to go through, and the child who won't share at nine months isn't necessarily the child who won't share at four years old. Babies cry when they don't get their way because they are emotionally too immature to be able to deal with it; but when they gain some emotional maturity they will be able to deal with it.
My "parenting method" was mostly being an example of the kind of person I wanted my three children to be, seeing "the ok-ness" of each child, and not worrying that the behavior they showed as infants or even two-year-olds meant they would be like that forever. I talked to my children and treated them with the respect I wanted them to have for me and enjoyed them for the enjoyable and wonderful little humans they were right from the beginning.
Talking to children (and spending time with each one alone, as as well as as a family) makes them understand everything better. It encourages development of the part of the brain that is responsible for emotional maturity, and an emotionally mature child is a child who is easier to deal with because he/she understands why you have made the rule that there will be no ball-playing in the living room.
My one "main rule" was that our house was to be peaceful. We could express different opinions in a civil way. There would be no hitting or yelling at one another. This is a simple rule, and it is a rule that comes to be followed pretty naturally if that's how parents decide their home will be.
I overlooked the occasional tantrum of a three-year-old or the occasional time when someone wasn't tired enough to sleep when I thought they should have, but I had a general way of explaining what good practices are when it comes to eating, sleeping, and treating other people, animals, and belongings well regularly.
My measure of what I wanted my children to learn early was this: Is this something that is acceptable in society? For example, in society is it acceptable for a person to decide he doesn't like green beans? Yes it is. In society is it acceptable for a person to run around a bank like a lunatic? No. So that question was my guide when it came to teaching my children how to behave.
When they were little (under six) there was honestly nothing they did that was worthy of punishing, so there was no punishing in my house. When they were older and did the occasional wrong thing (keep forgetting to bring the spelling book home, keep losing the eyeglasses) I tended to let natural consequences teach them. Once in a while, someone may leave trash in their bedroom; and I'd ask them to please go clean it up.
With all respect, I don't necessarily think all "God-given intuition" is correct. For example, the fact that you believe your nine-month-old is showing signs of what he needs to be trained to do would indicate your intution may not include a solid enough understanding of what is a sign of a potential behavior problem and what just isn't.
The famous verse, "Children Learn What They Live" may be one of the best guides to parenting there is. When parents are examples of what they want their children to be and when parents treat their children with respect and enjoy being with them and have faith that their children are, for the most part, pretty much ok; children tend to emulate their parents, treat others with respect, enjoy being with others, and learn that their parents have faith in them.
With my children now grown, I can look at them and think, "I did pretty, if I do say so myself." They were wonderful children who were well behaved (I'm not saying nobody ever did anything wrong, but there is the usual "kid mess-up" and then there is messed up kids. I'm just saying my kids were not the latter type of children.). They have grown up to be thoughtful, decent, kind, well manner, people who enjoy a relationship with their siblings and me that is as nice as I'd ever have imagined.
So, in a nutshell: Treat them with respect and expect it back, be a good role model, talk to them about everything there is in life, have some faith in the ok-ness of them, enjoy being with them, and tell them right from wrong using "what is acceptable in society" as a guide.
When you do what you can to make your baby/child as happy and secure and comfortable as possible the child becomes as happy, secure, and comfortable as possible; and as a result, a whole lot of behavior problems just don't happen. On top of that, the child learns to be a person who tries to make other people feel happy, secure and comfortable rather than be a person who is always scrapping for approval, attention, and whatever else the child needed but didn't get.
I found it was important to always be the leader of the team even if I didn't choose to act like a warden or a bully. There is a big difference between being a leader and being either of the other two things.
Rather than researching parenting methods, you may want to get a few good, solid, books on child development and emotional development in order to have a good, solid, understanding of what stage your child is in at any given time. If you understand your child's developmental stage you'll be better able to respond to things in an appropriate way.
Finally, while I'm pretty confident with my parenting style (one adopted child, two biological ones - same results with all of them), I need to note that I don't believe it was "God-given" unless by "God-given" someone would mean that God gave me the very skilled parents I got and from whom I learned what works well with children.
The only reason I have the nerve to tout what worked well for me is that so many parents on this sight seem to think about little else other than "disciplining" their babies and toddlers and ask questions about that rather than asking questions like, "What do I need to understand about my three-year-old?" So many people act like they're all ready for their child to mess up - and it sometimes does become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The more you understand child development and your child, the better a parent you'll be. The less you understand child development and your child, the less successful a parent you'll be. Its that simple, and that's where you should direct your research.
Reply:My intuitions have generally lined up with a parenting method known as Attachment Parenting. The main advantage of identifying yourself with a "method" is finding communities of parents who you can ask for advice without getting a lot of unhelpful attacks on things that are going fine for you.
Reply:When in doubt I usually reference my What To Expect The First Year book. They promote a variety of parenting methods and options that allow me to consider and choose what works best for my child. According to my book, 9 months old is a bit young to expect the child to understand sharing. They still view other people as objects and don't understand compassion and sharing just yet.
Reply:MY method works for ME!! Go with ur heart! YOU know whats right for YOUR child. Good luck!!
Reply:God given intuition. you should know whats right for your child. don't let anyone tell you how to raise your child.
Reply:I think what children need from a very young age is consistancy. I did not follow any given written method. I followed my instinct and saw what worked and didnt for my family.
Remember all children are different. For instance scooby was sitting at four month and walking at nine months. While bug wasnt even sitting until eight months.(Scooby and bug are my oldest and youngest LOL)
With scooby even as a young toddler all I had to do was pull her away (positive reinforcement) and talk to her. With bug I had to get a little more aggressive with my tone etc.
Whatever works for your little one be consistant. I always say how very lucky I am to have four very well behaved children. But at the same time I know a big part of it is my parenting.
Reply:He is much to young to learn how to share at his age and it's quite normal to cry when he isnt pleased. Thats what babies do. There is no one right way to parent. All kids are different.
Reply:i just went with my own ideas cause people give u so much advise (some u take some u dont) but i think u have to learn ur own ways. after all if pepole are giving advice and they dont take their own then y listen
Reply:I use God given intuition. Most I would say do as well. If you are tring to change a habit of any sort and teach a new habit, I would be gentle but consistant. I would also practice and take a toy from him and make a game of it. As far as not getting his way. Don't give in because he is crying. When he stops then give it to him. If he doesn't stop crying lay him down. Then go in every 10 to 20 min and talk to him in a soothing voice that you love him. Until he falls asleep or quits crying. HTH
Reply:Well you have to balance out what you feel is right for your child and read more than just one book to compare ideas and advice. You have to take into consideration the child's developmental age and stage. To expect a 9 month old to not cry when things don't go his way is too high of an expectation. Especially sharing. Sharing is a complex task that can only be understood at around age 3. Children younger than 3 cannot share because they have no concept of ownership and think that the toy taken away will disappear forever. I would subscribe to the Parents magazine and go on this site below. It offers such great advice and will help you. Intuition alone isn't the way to go. We all need advice because parenting is so complex.
Reply:Look into attachment parenting.
Read anything by Dr. Sears - "The Discipline Book" would be good based on your child's age.
Check out the book "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" by Hilary Flower as well.
Check out the following links:
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/info....
and
http://www.askdrsears.com/default.asp
and
http://www.mothering.com/
Reply:I would never join them. I have done some research and found these systems to range from really simple to stupidly dangerous. Trust yourselves and maybe join a parenting forum on the Internet. They are all parents and we know that only a parent can understand a parent, right?
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